Date this ass and get a new hobby!

I apologize for the lack of posts of the past few months, but there have been some major changes warranting time away for Leilani and Ursula.  First of all, Leilani has been in a RELATIONSHIP for about 4 months.  Wuhoo!  More details on that from her at a later date.

What has Ursula been up to?  OMG – a lot. I, Urusula, have dated 3 men since last posting about the insane prick who dumped me and went back to his ex-girlfriend.   I started a new position at a large company at the beginning of July, and went on a few Only dates.  I say Only versus First because there were no Second dates.  I had lunch with a couple of nice guys, a beer or glass of wine with a couple of others, but none that warranted a follow up meeting. Is it so hard to find someone who you “click” with?  Apparently so.  Then, I went on one HORRIBLE wine date.  I’ll be brief here because this is just the lead in to the real story.  Wine guy was a Mama’s boy. Holy shit. All he could talk  about were his mom, grandma, and sister. He had NO friends. None.  Our date was at a wine bar, so I ordered a nice Pinot Noir.  After the glass was empty and I’d been listening to him drone on and on about Mama I contemplated shattering the glass bar fight style so I could use the shards to slice my wrists.  Luckily, the waiter came up about that point to see if I wanted a refill – ya think?  Just as I was about to shout, “For the love of God, yes!” as I was needing the wine to make this guy even the slightest bit interesting, he tells the waiter No, she’s fine!  What the fuck was that??????  Uh, hello?  You are boring as hell, and I NEED that second glass if I’m going to continue to sit here and appear to give 2 shits about anything coming out of your mouth.  20 minutes later I was scooting home in my car, laughing at how horrible that was.

ANYWAY, on my way home, a guy I had been messaging with had emailed that he was going out that night to a place near where I was, so I sent him my phone number..just easier to text than email.  He texted 2 minutes later (no lie), and he was on his way to the very wine bar I had just escaped from…..asking if I would want to meet up. I told him I JUST left from there after the WORST first date ever (yes I admitted I been on a date), so he suggested we go to a place around the corner. I whipped my little hybrid around and found him sitting in the back.  Holy shitballs – he was hot. Like smokin’ hot. 

After we spent a good 10 minutes making fun of the stingy wine guy, we talked for a few hours and had a great time. He walked me to my car, we made out a little (omg), and said we’d definitely get together sometime soon.

Flash forward to date 4, I go over to his house for dinner. The boy can cook. Please note: this is date #4 AND I’m going to his HOUSE for dinner. For most adults, this means things should be consumated that night. Am I right?  Well, that was an incorrect assumption.  Dude dropped on me that he didn’t want to have sex until we were in a committed relationship, that sex complicates and masks things, etc.  Whoa!  What?  I’ve never come across this before. Uncharted territory.  I think I’m impressed! 

I might mention here that dude is competitive cyclist. He’s completely obsessed with the sport, and his man-house and weird assortment of cars reflect this, too. Now for whatever reason, I decide that it would be cool to get into cycling, so, I buy a road bike off a friend who was over her 20 second desire to get into the sport.  For a really good deal, she sells me the bike and all her equipment and clothing. I’m stoked!

On my second solo ride, I fell off my bike. Take note: do NOT assume clipping into your pedals is a smart move for a novice. It’s not. You will fall every time. Trust me.

This fall wasn’t just a little fall. No, I fell hard on my left elbow and thought I broke it.  I ended up driving myself with one arm to Urgent Care for x-rays. Not broken but I burst the bursa sac, and ended up in a sling.  And where was my new beau, you may ask?  On his own bike for a long ride…..50 miles.  After he got home, he called to see if I was ok. He didn’t have the decency to come over and check on me. I was on narcotic pain killer for crying out loud.  That should have been my first clue as to how self absorbed he was.

A month into this relationship, I went away for the weekend to take my kids to spend the week with their grandparents.  He and I had said we’d get together when I got back on Sunday night.  Instead of texting to see what we were going to do, he texts: “Call me when you get home. We need to talk”.  Damn. That’s never good.

After I steel myself for being dumped, I call. He proceeds to say that after being together for a month he expected to miss me after being away for a weekend but he didn’t and he took that as a sign that we had no long term potential.  I was insulted but relieved.  I really didn’t see it going anywhere either but was just enjoying the ride, no pun intended.   I thanked him for his cander and honesty.  Ugh. At least, the bike accident hurt worse than the break up.

Rusty Meat Market

It’s Saturday morning and my son is gone to see his Grandparents for the week.  Ursula calls and says she coming over for coffee and a workout.  Yay!  I love having coffee with my best friend.  Over coffee we share some interesting stories of silly men we have chatted with this week and roll our eyes at the continued lack of quality on the market.  After coffee, we drag our tired butts upstairs, put in a workout video and proceed to try and kill ourselves.

Upon regaining the ability to breath, Ursula looks and me and says, “FYI…we ARE taking your boat out today.”  As I lay on the floor lifeless, I turn my head toward her and say, “Hell yeah sister!!!  Let’s roll”.  I spring to my feet and away we go…

As good healthy girls do, we run downstairs, pack a cooler of healthy food and low carb beer, head to the garage, pop the top, jump in the sports car, and take off like a bat out of hell.

We manage to stay on the lake until the storms roll in and force us to head for land.  On the way home, Ursula and I decide to have a good old fashioned girls night out.  A little music, dancing, cocktails, flirting, and who knows what else.  As we ponder where to spend the evening, we finally decide what establishments to grace with our presence and opt for a few hot spots around the lake.

There is one particular place that I love to go for lunch when we are out of the boat.  They have a great outside patio that overlooks the water.  The atmosphere is so peaceful and very “Florida Key'”s like.  I’ve only been there once after dark, so we decide to give it a try and see what’s there.

On the way out, I get a text from one of the silly boys who I’ve talked to this week.  He says he and a buddy are headed to the same place we are.  My first thought is, “Oh crap…not a remake of Dr. Douche-bag”.  Then I think perhaps this one is different.  So…I tell him we are headed that way too.  What’s the worst that could happen right?  Famous last words…

Ursula and I look amazing as we sashay into the establishment.  We proceed over to the bar and order a beverage.  As we purse our lips against our glasses of courage, we survey the room, soaking in all of the hotness we are surrounded by.  All of a sudden we stop looking at the massive biceps and stellar pecks to see if their faces match their bodies.  Then…it hits us!  Most of these guys we have talked to online already and ruled out because they are morons!  We look at each other and giggle as we watch these men try to hook up with anything that walks.  We realize at this point we are in a meat market…

An hour or so has gone by and no sign of Mr. Texter and his friend.  I check my phone and low and behold a text.  “Hey.  I’m so sorry we are running late.  My buddy wanted to make a quick stop somewhere else.”  I politely text back, “No worries.  We are getting ready to head out.  You will have to find us if you are still interested.”  I proceed to provide a few vague clues actually hoping they won’t find us.

We leave the meat market after being hit on by some really old, creepy, drunk guy.  As we enter the parking lot, it’s pouring rain!  Rain is not nice to girls with naturally curly hair.  At this point I look like a wet poodle and pray Mr. Texter does not find us.

Finally making it to the final place of the night, we walk in and grab a drink.  About 15 minutes later Mr. Texter and his buddy walk in the door.  I instantly get this feeling this is not going to go well.  For a moment I even contemplated grabbing Ursala’s arm and running as fast as I could out the door.  NOTE – If you ever look at someone walking in the door and your gut says run, RUN!!!

Mr. Texter is a bean pole.  Clearly the pictures were pre-divorce stress.  From here on out we will call him Slim Shady, not to be confused with the “real slim shady”.  His friend looked like a Neanderthal.  As I’m in mid panic trying to devise an escape plan, we are spotted.  Damn!!!  Slim Shady walks over and introduces himself and his Neanderthal friend.  We proceed to a table and sip liquid courage.  Slim Shady is a royal dick!  He is condescending, rude, and a down right jack ass.  His little friend makes him look like the nice guy,

At this point Ursula and I just start whispering and laughing all while ignoring these prehistoric jackasses.  Finally after 10 minutes of us ignoring them, Slim Shady breaks out his phone and starts looking at other Match profiles.  THANK GOD!!!!  I’m thinking to myself F this…we need to get out of here after we finish this drink.  About that time Neanderthal slips Slim Shady a note.  They head off to the bathroom together like two little teenage girls.  I look at Ursula and said we needed to high tail it out of there ASAP.  She totally agreed.

The girly prehistoric jackasses return from their little adventure and inform us they are headed across the street.  We remain seated and say, “Great.  Have a good evening” and breathing a sigh of relief.  Just then IT happens…the note that was slipped to Slim Shady is still on the table.  What does it say you ask?  “Fuck This”  LOL  At first we were offended, the we laughed historically as we were relieved it was over.

I guarantee you the next time I get that feeling we are so out of there.  God gave women the ability to sense things.  Embrace it, love it, trust it.  IT IS REAL!

How to Lose a Girl in 2 Dates

The first rule of dating is to remember the “mirror effect”.  As in, if they acted they way you are acting you would be running for the border. Here’s the story of the pool date gone awry….

First of all, we met for lunch earlier in the week. It was a good meeting – easy conversation, laughed plenty, not awkward at all.  Even though I wasn’t really attracted to this guy, he seemed really nice and decided to give it a second date. Unfortunately, his idea of an ideal second date was my idea of hell.  He asked me to come hang out at the pool on Saturday afternoon.  I had nothing better to do so I said yes.

The pool was really pretty – though an upscale apartment community pool.  We sat next to some 20-somethings who were his friends, apparently. Next came down the divorced heavy set dude that he’s been friends with for the last 5 years…..that they have been neighbors at the apartment complex.  I am a snob in that I expect a 40-something year old man to be a bit more settled than that. Also, if you think the “end all be all” of Saturday afternoons can be spent pool side with people 20 years younger than you while drinking beer and trading movie lines, you are NOT for me.  Ugh.

I made the mistake of drinking 1 too many beers to make it through the afternoon, and allowed Pool Guy to kiss me. Bad idea. He knew I needed to leave at 4 to make it for dinner plans, and correctly, made the assumption that my dinner was actually a date. He kinda freaked a little on that one. I mean, seriously?  We had lunch and spent a few hours at the pool. That doesn’t make me your girlfriend!

He actually texted me during my dinner date, that night, and several times the following morning.  Leilani and I call this type of guy a “Stage 5 Clinger”.  After avoiding his texts all afternoon, I finally replied back with a rock solid shoo-off. He was pissed.  He actually came really close to calling me a whore. WTF?  Anyway, his final come back was a text saying, “Erased”.  LOL. Thank GOD!

Back on the horse

I was tempted to turn the site over to Leilani because I was convinced I’d found a guy I’d be with for a long time. He was GORGEOUS, driven, a divorced dad, athletic, smart, funny, and said the absolutely RIGHT thing EVERY TIME.  Boy, you could say he was too good to be true. Oh wait. That’s ’cause he was.

I fell for every line he threw at me.  Compliments left and right. Told me he could see us together forever. That he’s never felt such an instant connection with any like this before. BLAH BLAH BLAH.  HOOK, LINE, and SINKER.

I feel so stupid. I let my guard down for the first time in a very long time, and after 2 weeks of being fed this bullshit I told myself that I was starting to fall in love! I haven’t been “in love” in about 15 years, so needless to say, I was really freaking excited about this!

I invited him over to my house (don’t do that), cooked him a fabulous dinner (that either), and well, let him stay over. (sorry, no details are going to be shared this time)

The next morning around 9 am, I get a lengthy text message telling me that I just am not what he’s looking for, I’m wonderful, etc, but this isn’t going to work. Wished my ass luck. WHAT THE FUCK!  How can someone go from saying you make me so happy, to eh, no thanks in 12 fucking hours???????

My theory?  He went back to his ex-girlfriend. Oh yeah. The ex-girlfriend who he cheated on his wife with and moved in with when his wife kicked him out. Fucking asshole.

I lamented the end of that bullshit fest for a few hours and then decided I was better than that. I hopped back online, threw out a few emails on Match, and had 2 dates scheduled for the next day. I know that’s fast, but it was just a lunch date and afternoon coffee date. No biggie.

See, that’s what happens when you let your guard down, get kicked in the gut, and then decide to say Fuck you. You get your life back. I’m back in the saddle, baby!!

 

Don’t Date This Guy – The Reluctant Dater

This date started off GREAT. The middle part – GREAT.  The end?  GREAT.  Problem? Yes.

I met this super hot, sweet, funny, modest, successful, smart man at a great restaurant overlooking the lake for an early dinner.  We seemed to hit it off fine, and the conversation never stopped.  In fact, it took us over an hour to order because we couldn’t stop talking and laughing.  How awesome is that?

After 2 bottles of wine, I know – bad idea, we went for a nice walk and talked. Then, we went to another restaurant bar to chat some more. AND, then he invited me over to his house to sit on the front porch swing and keep on talking.  He even promised to keep his hands to himself.

Ladies, this guy was so freaking gentlemanly that he made a point of switching places with me as we walked on the sidewalk because as he said, the man is supposed to walk on the street side to protect the lady. Holy crap!  Chivalry isn’t dead!  He opened doors, pulled out my chair, and blew my mind. His mama raised him right!

Back to the front porch swing… true to his word, the man didn’t make a move. After we both couldn’t stop yawning (it was 11 pm – we’d been on this date for 6 hours), he drove me back to my car.

I got a chaste hug, let’s keep in touch and definitely do this again, and then I threw out the Hail Mary.

I said I was going for a run the next morning if he wanted to join me since he was a fellow runner. He said it sounded good, and to text him in the a.m.  Also, he asked I text him when I got home so he’d know I was safe.  How sweet is that??

Fast forward to the next morning: He texts at 7:50 am.  His legs were really sore from the hill work he did the day prior, and his head was a little fuzzy from the wine. Running was out. So we chatted about the importance of coffee.  Brilliant Idea came to him. Let’s meet for coffee!  So, an hour later we were sitting in a café sipping some joe talking about inane things.

I didn’t even get a hug out of that rendezvous. Perhaps, I missed something?

After a few texts throughout the following week, we decided we should get together sometime the next week.  Texted that weekend….never set a date, so I asked if he had time. He said yes, we should touch base the next day to set something up later in the week. Sounded good to me.

Never heard from him the next day. Eh, oh well.  THEN, I get the kiss of death text. “hey. I had a really great time at dinner and everything. I was thinking. I’m just not ready to date. I hope that’s ok.”

Are you fucking kidding me? Whatevs.  So I sent back a very to the point text: No  Problem.

Boom. Done.

Ladies, lesson learned: If he seems a little skittish but still interested, chances are he’s a reluctant dater. Just dipping his toes in the dating water but not ready to swim. You will scare the shit out of him if you push him in. Just walk away.

Don’t Date This Guy – Narcissistic Penis

I don’t want to totally bash this guy because he was pretty nice, if not a little smarmy.  I had 2 dates with him and had decently high hopes. He’s tall, handsome, successful, great taste in just about everything, decent conversationalist, etc.

Then, I noticed that he seems to be in love with something. His Penis. I capitalize Penis because to him it’s like a separate entity to nurture and love.  How can someone be so obsessed with their own genitalia?  I wish I could elaborate on what it looked like but that’s not my M.O.  If I wanted a FuckBuddy, this guy would be all about it.  This guy needs to wear a tee-shirt proclaiming his love for his dick.

Nope, I’m looking for an honest-to-goodness relationship with someone who digs ME. Crazy, I know.

I tried to employ my best “hard to get” tactics of avoiding his phone calls by sending them to voicemail and not calling back for 24 hours. It actually worked. When I would talk to him, he’d ask me to come over at 9 pm….booty call.  What??  To make matters worse he said, “Don’t worry. My daughter is a really heavy sleeper.”  OMG!  Are you fucking kidding me?  Booty call AND your kid is there?  How disgusting are you, Creepy Creeperson??

Result of that incredible insult?  I said No Thank you, and have refused to call him back.

Ladies, don’t get duped into thinking a guy is “all that” if he looks good on paper and interviews well, but blows it in the final round.  He’s not your Miss America. He’s a letch looking to get laid. Walk away.

Dirty Dating Day – Road Kings, Ex’s, and Other Crazy Shit

Ya know today started off great.  I was able to sleep in and enjoy a cup of coffee in a nice, quiet house.  (Kid at the Ex’s today) After coffee, I squeezed in a little yard work and an awesome workout.  While enjoying the blissful start to the day, I had great anticipation of tonight’s date with Mr. Road King.

You see, I have been chatting with this very adorable fellow for a few days.  From what I have read and information I can gather from the brief phone conversion, Mr. Road King seems rather laid back, yet outgoing, funny, and pretty cute.  He certainly is no Channing Tatum, more cute like a small puppy.  He is 6 ft tall, blue eyes, thick brown hair, and a fit body.  Not overly muscle bound, but you can certainly see he frequents the weights.

I am a tall girl (5’9″) and really appreciate dating tall men.  I mean, how romantic is it to hold a guys hand and the feeling is reminiscent of holding your child hand? Doesn’t that just scream “Take me home now you sexy beast”.  NOT!

I digress….so here I am really looking forward to getting to know this cutie a little better.  We are planning to meet at an upscale restaurant in a trendy little part of town.  Since I am a fan of dressing for the occasion, I pull out my go to LBD (Little Black Dress), red high heels, and moderate diamond solitaire necklace and earrings.  A girl has to feel glamorous on a first date.  One quick glance in the mirror and I remind myself this guy is one lucky bastard to be seen with me tonight.

As I head to the car I hear what sounds like rain.  Ugh.  Who wants rain to stop by for a visit when you are trying to look amazing?  Thanks Mother nature!  Love you too!  Sure enough….rain!  About that time, my phone rings.  I answer before turning on the car.

“Hey.  Um, it’s me…you know, Mr. Road King” he says.  “Hey.  What’s up?” I reply.  “Well, um…yeah…see…here’s the deal.  I decided to drive the Harley tonight and…um….well…I’m getting poured on.  Is there anyway you can come get me?”

I sit quietly for a few seconds thinking to myself, is he a killer or will I be safe.  Where is he?  Finally I ask, “Well, where are you exactly”?  “Oh, I’m just down the road about 15 minutes from the restaurant”.

Lucky for me, the specific location was on my way to meet him, so why not.  He is in a public place with lots of people.  Besides, I do have a concealed carry permit and I always have my trusty body guard in my purse on the first few dates.  Clearly these men have no idea.  They would scream running in the opposite direction as fast as they could.  By the way, let’s be very clear here.  I do not look like I would carry a gun in any way, shape, or form.  By definition I look prissy.  Clearly I am not that prissy.

I decide what the heck, I’ll go get the poor guy.  It is raining really hard and it can’t be fun trying to ride a motorcycle in the rain.  I pull into the location looking for the guy I have seen in the pictures.  However, I see a poor soaked fellow who appears to be about 10 years older than the pictures.  I pull in and say, “Hey Mr Road King.  Need a lift?”  Needless to say he is very happy to see I am driving a vehicle with a roof.  He jumps in the car and we head off to dinner.

Poor guy was soaked to the bone.  He clearly had not taken recent pictures in at least a decade, which I was willing to overlook.  I get it, it’s hard to call up your dudes and say, “Yo Man.  I’m gonna give this online dating thing a try.  Yay!  I really need you to come over and take some pictures of me for my profile.”  His buddies will think he’s gay or on drugs.

As we are riding to dinner, I catch a whiff of what smells like a dog that has been outside in the heat all day.  I start to panic thinking it’s me or my car.  Then I realize it’s not me…it’s HIM!  OMG!!!!!  I get that riding a motorcycle may give you that no so fresh feeling, but this as strong and repulsive.  I start thinking of how I am going to get out of this date.  I can’t run the risk of seeing someone I know with smelly dude in tow.  What am I going to do?

We get to the restaurant and I ask if he would like to go someplace else since he is still clearly soaked.  Emphatically he says no and I am starving.  So I take the risk.  We enter the establishment and much to my delight I see no one I know.  I ask the hostess for a seat in the back.  Perhaps a quiet corner.  Away we go to the hidden spot in the back.  I think to myself. “Thank God!  No one will see me back here”.

I try to regain composure and forget the rough start to the evening.  We begin to talk and I can tell right off everything he has told me is a lie.  His job, his education, everything.  Not only am I on a date with a smelly liar, his shirt is drying and looks like it has never been introduced to an iron.  I really don’t say much as I am thinking really hard about my exit plan.

The waiter brings over the bread.  I am so hungry my stomach is starting to gnaw on my spine.  Hallelujah…I can put something on my poor tummy.  While he rambles on about God knows what, I abruptly interrupt and ask, “Hey, when was the picture of you on the beach taken?”  “Oh, about 10 years ago, but I really haven’t aged at all so I just keep it out there” he says.

I’m sorry.  Did he really just say that?  OMG!  He DID!!!  Dude admits to using decade old pics.  So what do I do?  What any self respecting, honest, fabulous woman would do.  I lean in on the table, look him in the eye, and say “Baby, can I give you a little advice?  Don’t listen to whomever is telling you such lies.  Clearly they are trying to play a joke on you.  You, my dear, certainly look 10 years older than your pics.  Please take some new ones.  Oh, and for the record, always check the weather before driving the motorcycle an hour to meet a lady for a first date.”

His mouth hit the ground.  I polity smile and excuse myself to the ladies room.  From the safety of the W.C., I can text Ursala and ask for the “SMAN”, Save My Ass Now, call.  After the appropriate wait time, I return the the table.

On cue my phone rings.  “Hello”, I answer.  Ursala is on the other end acting as my sitter and there is some emergency with my child.  Thank God for a good exit plan!  Every woman must have one.

I look at him and say, “I’m so sorry I have to go now.”  I casually get up and leave the restaurant and Mr. Road King behind.  Poor bastard can take a cab back to his Harley.  It may take 12 cans of air freshener to remove his BO from my car.  GROSS!

After arriving home, I take a bubble bath and drink a tall glass of wine.  Time to move on to the next victim so I log onto Match.com and complete a search.  BAM…Search results #1…..My Ex Husband!  Sigh…I call it for the night.  I can’t take anymore failures for one day.

Moral of the story ladies – If you have to pick up a dude and he looks like an old smelly man, leave him on the curb and grab dinner with a girlfriend.

For the Men: Online profile tips to increase your success

Men, Pay attention. If you want us to respond to your profile, please keep reading….

 

1)      There isn’t much that says “taking you home to meet my Mom” like a shirtless picture taken by your cell phone via the bathroom mirror.  I mean, even if you are hot, I still think you’re an idiot if you post this picture. We are women. We are deeper than that, Moron.

2)      You MUST post at least 1 picture. A profile with Zero pictures is an immediate red flag. I guarantee I will not respond to you if there are no pictures.

3)      All your pictures are selfies and you are not smiling = RED FLAG.  I will assume you are a sullen asshole with no friends.

4)      Don’t post pictures of your motorcycle, your boat, or you holding some big ass fish. Those things impress dudes, not women.  Well, some women. The kind who want you for material things.

5)      You email us with a Cut and Paste email. We are not stupid. We can spot a form email a mile away. Make it somewhat personal. I’m not like every other girl, I promise you. You insult me with your lack of effort.

6)      You can compliment me in your first email to me, but don’t make it my name. i.e. Hello, Beautiful! Or Hey, Gorgeous!  Or my favorite, What’s up, Hot Mama?  I’d rather you go for a Ryan Gosling meme’d Hey, Girl if you must say anything like it.

7)      Don’t email back and forth with me 5 times if you don’t have the balls to ask me out. If I’m emailing you back, I’m interested.

8)      Please Please Please do NOT post pictures of your children!  This is a public website and PEDOPHILES are everywhere.  Be smart, guys!  Besides, if your profile says you have kids, I will believe you. I don’t need photographic evidence.

9)      Only use photos that are 1 year old at the worst. If I choose to meet you and you show up looking 10 years older, I promise it will completely turn me off.

10)   Check my preferences. If I indicate that my preferred age range is 35-45, don’t contact me if you are 24 or 55.  I don’t want to babysit you or take you to elder care.

Online Dating SNAFUs

Here are a few online dating incidents that came up recently that highlight just how small the dating pool is in our region.

1)       Dude #1 sent me a “cut and paste” email that you can tell he sends to all new woman, aka Fresh Meat, on the site.  I ignored it due to its glaring lack of authenticity. He emailed me a 2^nd time a few days later with a real email referencing a few things I’d written in my profile, and I considered responding BUT ran it by Leilani for a second pair of eyes. She IMMEDIATELY and EMPHATICALLY told me to not respond to this one EVER. Why? Well, for starters, 5 of the 6 photos on his profile are at least 5 years old. How do we know? 5 years ago he emailed Leilani with the same profile. When she responded back, he had the audacity to ask her how much she weighed and her jeans size because he figured all women lied about their weight and used doctored photos. How ironic.  He then emailed a 3^rd time saying that he’d reached out before and wanted to throw a Hail Mary to see if we could get together for a drink. That was the point where I scrutinized his photos one last time and noticed that the ONE new picture he had included the guy I had lunch with 2 days prior….and I really liked the lunch guy!!  FYI, I’m not posting about the lunch guy just yet. If he turns out to be datable I don’t want to mess it up with a public narrative.  Might scare off the GOOD one!

2)       The Innocent Wink: While using the wink feature on Match may seem like a good idea, it can backfire when you wink at a girl who is BFF’s with the girl you screwed over royally last summer. I took the high road and emailed him and let him know my friendship with Leilani and informed him that we don’t share. No sloppy seconds EVER. I then wished him well with his search.  Mr. Love ‘em and Leave ‘em didn’t have the balls to respond.

3)      One of Leilani’s former flames from last year and I are connections on Linked In. He posted a professional article there that I “liked”, which prompted him to send me an email to say Hi, to let me know he saw my profile on the dating site and was sorry that I had broken up with my year+ long boyfriend. I emailed a nice note back, not expecting anything back. I mean, seriously, what could we possibly talk about?  Lament why she dumped him completely out of the blue? Please understand that our girl Leilani does nothing without good reason. There were reasons, alright, but none that you can outright tell a guy. What are you going to say? “Um, it’s totally you, not me.”? Well, apparently he had something to discuss with me. He emailed again and asked if I wanted to get together for a drink sometime. Instance #2 when the Sloppy Seconds rule is being invoked. Never underestimate the strength of a friendship, boys.  Remember girls, Chicks before Dicks.