So last night, we, Ursula and Leilani, decided to join forces and meet up to do a tandem first date. BTW, these two guys became friends at Match.com Stir event. It all started with Ursula making an online match that led to a “hey, let’s get together tonight” kind of thing, only the guy was bringing his buddy along. What? That meant that I, Ursula, was enlisting the aid of my WingGirl, Leilani.
Let me paint you a picture of what we looked like: Ursula shows up in a khaki skirt, black tank, and flip flops, while Leilani had on a bright fuchsia booby maxi dress. By booby, I mean her gazongas were well emphasized while rocking her long blonde locks and gorgeous green eyes. Girlfriend was a freakin’ knockout.
We met up with these two at an outdoor recreational center that had live music, beer, and beautiful scenery, and by that I mean men. Yum Yum Yummy! Tanned, muscled, half naked, and athletic. Need I say more?
Anyway, our “dates” were both in their early 40’s, casually dressed, and decent looking. Interestingly enough, Ursula and her “date” appeared to have a similar sense of style, as did Leilani and her “date”. Now, let’s take a moment to talk about Leilani’s date. We shall call him Dr. Bob. Dr. Bob could have an entire post written about him as a “Guy You Should NEVER Date”. Perhaps Leilani will elaborate further in a future post once she has recovered from the shock and awe we are about to describe.
So, Dr. Bob is approximately 6′ tall with very thick coiffed strawberry blonde hair. Imagine Donald Trump with a full head of hair…no comb overs yet. He was wearing a cowboy inspired blue and white gingham button up shirt, nicely fitted jeans, and italian leather boots. Physique: Nicely put together. Once he removed his pretentious sunglasses the glimmer of the sunset revealed Caribbean sea blue eyes. His smile was too perfect for any human. Oddly enough, Dr. Bob is not a dentist. Dr. Bob specializes in hands, not only in his day to day profession, but apparently is fond of using his hands in extracurricular activities, as well. And P.S., his BFF is the only plastic surgeon in the region who does “natural” breast augmentation. This guy is a piece of work, thus will demand his own post.
Ursula’s “date” was the typical “nice guy”, not overly attractive but cute in a “I only want to cuddle with you, no sex” kind of way. Incidentally, this what his wife thinks, too. Let’s clarify “wife”. Dear boy is currently separated, with the divorce scheduled to be finalized this summer. However, he consistently refers to her as his Wife, not ex-wife, soon to be ex, or even Baby Mama. No. It’s wife, and it’s a BIG FUCKING TURN OFF, hence known as a BFTO. He was also 5’9″, which isn’t a deal breaker since I’m only 5’6″, though if I had my druthers, I’d be standing there with a 6’+ hunka hunka burnin’ love. Not Elvis. But you know what I mean. He’s bald by choice, which I actually rather dig. His attire was very casual. Brace yourself: Blue jean shorts, a black wicking shirt, white socks, tennis shoes, and a white Mets baseball hat. As I shake my head at this ensemble I have to add that they were white ankle socks, clearly visible not only to me but to the astronaut currently residing in the Space Station. They were THAT bad. Oy.
So, you may be asking yourself “Why did she continue to talk to this fashion disaster for more than 5 minutes?” BECAUSE, Ladies, he was funny, sweet, smart, and a really good conversationalist. See, you sometimes have to overlook glaring missteps to get to the good stuff. Sometimes, this turns out A-OK. Sometimes, not so much. Mister Fashion Disaster will henceforth be called White Urkel.
Positive Points about the Evening: We all shared a lot of good conversation about kids, life, ambitions, travel, hobbies…you know, the basics. Plus, we were drinking beer, which we all know makes everything sound better and much more interesting!
Of course, peppered throughout those conversations were revelations into each others inner being….like how much of a douche bag Dr. Bob is and how much of a “New Born” White Urkel is in terms of his exposure to post marriage dating. Whew. That man MUST grow some “single legs” before he can have any chance of a successful relationship. There is no hope for Dr. Bob. Once a DB, always a DB.
Side Note: Single Legs is defined as a period of time post-divorce where a person has learned how to live in a single world. Often times, men who are freshly released into the dating pond believe that their first relationship will mirror the responsibilities of marriage. Also, they imagine an instant intimacy with a woman on a far deeper level than can actually exist in a mere hour. In order for one to grow single legs, they must have had enough dating experiences to realize this is all a fairytale. Do not, under any circumstances, be a Divorcees rebound woman. EVER. All you will do is be their teacher, showing them the rules, boundaries, and acceptable behaviors of dating. This will only lead to you properly training the poor broken man for his future goddess, while you waste your own valuable time and emotional energy on a man who is not ready to accept and love your awesomeness. YOU are worth WAY more!