It’s Saturday morning and my son is gone to see his Grandparents for the week. Ursula calls and says she coming over for coffee and a workout. Yay! I love having coffee with my best friend. Over coffee we share some interesting stories of silly men we have chatted with this week and roll our eyes at the continued lack of quality on the market. After coffee, we drag our tired butts upstairs, put in a workout video and proceed to try and kill ourselves.
Upon regaining the ability to breath, Ursula looks and me and says, “FYI…we ARE taking your boat out today.” As I lay on the floor lifeless, I turn my head toward her and say, “Hell yeah sister!!! Let’s roll”. I spring to my feet and away we go…
As good healthy girls do, we run downstairs, pack a cooler of healthy food and low carb beer, head to the garage, pop the top, jump in the sports car, and take off like a bat out of hell.
We manage to stay on the lake until the storms roll in and force us to head for land. On the way home, Ursula and I decide to have a good old fashioned girls night out. A little music, dancing, cocktails, flirting, and who knows what else. As we ponder where to spend the evening, we finally decide what establishments to grace with our presence and opt for a few hot spots around the lake.
There is one particular place that I love to go for lunch when we are out of the boat. They have a great outside patio that overlooks the water. The atmosphere is so peaceful and very “Florida Key'”s like. I’ve only been there once after dark, so we decide to give it a try and see what’s there.
On the way out, I get a text from one of the silly boys who I’ve talked to this week. He says he and a buddy are headed to the same place we are. My first thought is, “Oh crap…not a remake of Dr. Douche-bag”. Then I think perhaps this one is different. So…I tell him we are headed that way too. What’s the worst that could happen right? Famous last words…
Ursula and I look amazing as we sashay into the establishment. We proceed over to the bar and order a beverage. As we purse our lips against our glasses of courage, we survey the room, soaking in all of the hotness we are surrounded by. All of a sudden we stop looking at the massive biceps and stellar pecks to see if their faces match their bodies. Then…it hits us! Most of these guys we have talked to online already and ruled out because they are morons! We look at each other and giggle as we watch these men try to hook up with anything that walks. We realize at this point we are in a meat market…
An hour or so has gone by and no sign of Mr. Texter and his friend. I check my phone and low and behold a text. “Hey. I’m so sorry we are running late. My buddy wanted to make a quick stop somewhere else.” I politely text back, “No worries. We are getting ready to head out. You will have to find us if you are still interested.” I proceed to provide a few vague clues actually hoping they won’t find us.
We leave the meat market after being hit on by some really old, creepy, drunk guy. As we enter the parking lot, it’s pouring rain! Rain is not nice to girls with naturally curly hair. At this point I look like a wet poodle and pray Mr. Texter does not find us.
Finally making it to the final place of the night, we walk in and grab a drink. About 15 minutes later Mr. Texter and his buddy walk in the door. I instantly get this feeling this is not going to go well. For a moment I even contemplated grabbing Ursala’s arm and running as fast as I could out the door. NOTE – If you ever look at someone walking in the door and your gut says run, RUN!!!
Mr. Texter is a bean pole. Clearly the pictures were pre-divorce stress. From here on out we will call him Slim Shady, not to be confused with the “real slim shady”. His friend looked like a Neanderthal. As I’m in mid panic trying to devise an escape plan, we are spotted. Damn!!! Slim Shady walks over and introduces himself and his Neanderthal friend. We proceed to a table and sip liquid courage. Slim Shady is a royal dick! He is condescending, rude, and a down right jack ass. His little friend makes him look like the nice guy,
At this point Ursula and I just start whispering and laughing all while ignoring these prehistoric jackasses. Finally after 10 minutes of us ignoring them, Slim Shady breaks out his phone and starts looking at other Match profiles. THANK GOD!!!! I’m thinking to myself F this…we need to get out of here after we finish this drink. About that time Neanderthal slips Slim Shady a note. They head off to the bathroom together like two little teenage girls. I look at Ursula and said we needed to high tail it out of there ASAP. She totally agreed.
The girly prehistoric jackasses return from their little adventure and inform us they are headed across the street. We remain seated and say, “Great. Have a good evening” and breathing a sigh of relief. Just then IT happens…the note that was slipped to Slim Shady is still on the table. What does it say you ask? “Fuck This” LOL At first we were offended, the we laughed historically as we were relieved it was over.
I guarantee you the next time I get that feeling we are so out of there. God gave women the ability to sense things. Embrace it, love it, trust it. IT IS REAL!
Dirty, Daring, and Daunting 